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TRAVELLING WITH HULK LOGAN
Dover (Away In League)
I was in a curiously cheery mood the day we took a trip to
Dover. Despite coach delays, and the white cliffs yet again proving themselves
to be more over rated than Dean Thomas ever was, this was one of the better away
trips of the season. About 100 metres from the Crabble, we stationed ourselves
in the bright and enchanting public house known locally as 'The Cricketers.' The
sunshine poured through the windows like wine, and I enjoyed a few cigarettes
and a couple of cold beers. The rest played a competitive, yet friendly game of
pool - just some good old boys appreciating the atmosphere, where the locals are
from Kosovo and fat Japanese businessmen sell their kids.
Suddenly, the doors swung open. In the doorway stood a beast
of a man, 'bout 7 feet tall, had a shock of fiery red hair, with passion in his
belly and the fires of hell burning in his eyes. I recognised him as he approached,
a small moustache twitching under his nose. It was Mark Murphy - and he brought
us good news. Amara Simba, the four times capped French International had signed
for us on loan from Leyton Orient. "Don't cum in your pants" said Mark, but I
think it was too late for some, Little Dave especially. And Dave's multiple orgasms
were justified. Simba was superb. Rising like a salmon to head against the post,
the ensuing confusion leading to an own goal and three points for the K's. On
the way out we believe we saw Rod Stewart in a Dover shirt, but that would be
a bit too unbelievable (I believe he likes Heybridge - ed).
Hayes (Away In League Cup)
A brief account of an unspeakably boring and miserable night
at Hayes. Ashley G drove us there and, cutting it finely, managed a quick visit
to the bar. Watched a really, really crap first half in which precisely bugger
all happened. To make it all worse, Jack Frost had made a recent visit, and sprayed
his liquid nitrogen piss all over the ground, creating possibly the coldest night
in history (after Harrow Borough - ed). Donny was a fond and distant memory by
now. Half time came not one moment to o soon. Sprinted to the warmth of the club
bar and drank.
Second half, and having not eaten for a good few hours, the
alcohol was beginning to take effect. I felt quite ill and had to escape this
terrible drug. Then it was pointed out that a small chocolate gateaux had been
plumped unceremoniously on the terraces to mark the second birthday of K's Web.
The icing turned my fingers into stalagmites, but it stopped the nausea. Indulging
in a conversation about celebrity autographs, I heard a whistle. Apparently the
match had finished. Thank Christ. I'll never have to go through that again (see
Yeovil).
Sutton (Away In FA Trophy)
Falling for Yeovil's b*stard April fools joke, and being duped
into buying very dubious tickets from some bloke in the pub, this was a day where
we took everything for granted.
Before kick off, all the talk was of Wemberlee, and what we'd
do when we got there, and how pissed everyone was going to get when we won. What
about the imminent first leg of the semi final? Were we not about to play here
at Gangrene Lane, against Slutton? Oh yeah, of course, they're shite. Rushden?
That was first a fluke, no worries, they will lay down like the sluts they are
and let us cane them.
Watch out, Sammy Winston's clean through on goal! Don't panic,
he plays for Sutton and so must be crap. Also he's fat - there's no way he'll
score, so lets sit back and laugh at him when he misses and falls on his backside.
Hmm… that's funny, the net seems to be making a slight rippling movement, and
why's that dickhead dancing as if he's just scored after three minutes and given
Sutton the lead? Oh… I see. Bugger.
Mark Harris' goal seems like small consolation now, as the
second leg looms and I realise that the magic that took us to Wembley last year
was not so clearly evident.
Yeovil (Away In League)
We traveled with the stars and drank in the hospitality suite.
We watched 22 beer bellied veterans struggle on the astro turf pitch in the complex.
We laughed. We stood in the bitter cold and the pissing rain for 90 minutes. We
almost died in the conditions (Claxton unfortunately didn't). We watched a virtually
reserve side give a strong Yeovil side a challenging match. We pissed ourselves
as Fatmore missed a penalty. We held our heads in despair as Boylan missed a sitter.
We swore. We waited for phone updates on the other scores. We cheered when Woking
lost. We groaned when Sutton won. We began to go strange as the unrelentless weather
conditions started to soak through our fragile skulls, into our brains and confuse
our valuable thought patterns. We sang. We lost. We went home. Did I mention that
there were eight of us brave fanatical souls? We, the magnificent octupu, who
stood and laughed in the almighty wrath from God himself and came out alive. We
went to Yeovil. We lost. We were stupid to go. We are sorry.
Ross
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SUTTON HIT FOR SIX AS K's RETURN TO WEMBLEY
FA Umbro Trophy Semi-Final (2nd Leg)
After the frustrating postponement due to a waterlogged pitch
on the scheduled Saturday the weather just about held, although the Kingsmeadow
pitch was heavy in many places.
Delicately poised at 1-1 after the Gander Green Lane leg, the
first goal was always going to be important and any K's fans' nerves were dispelled
as early as the 12th minute. A typical marauding run by Tarkan Mustafa down the
right got him into a good position to cross to the edge of the box, where full
back Colin Luckett arrived to strike a sweet left foot shot which fizzed past
Howells into the bottom left corner of the net. The long serving Luckett doubled
his tally and K's advantage with a glancing near post header on 39 minutes from
a left sided cross.
As the players went off for half time the body language of
both teams showed that it was going to be a long 45 minutes for The U's heads
were bowed and shoulders slumped they looked a beaten side, paradoxically K's
left the arena with a spring in their step a team full of confidence. If this
didn't tell you that the contest was over, it certainly was on 51 minutes when
Amara Simba made it 3-0 to the home side. The K's officials could start dusting
off last years Wembley suits, as Simba was given far to much time to head in number
four on 64 minutes and Phil Wingfield's mis-hit free kick evaded everyone and
dropped into the net 3 minutes later for number five.
Steve Farrelly in front of the massed K's fans at the Kingston
Road End led the celebrations which were made even more jovial as Pitcher raced
through to bag the sixth on 82 minutes. The big goalkeeper was called into action
late on pushing a free kick round the post at full stretch to deny Sutton a consolation
goal.
You have to feel for John Rains. By his own admission his side
were completely outclassed and it must be applauded that an hour and a half after
the final whistle he was still in the clubhouse congratulating K's fans on the
achievement - it was meant with genuine feeling. Coming from a K's fan this may
sound a bit strange, but I genuinely hope that Sutton stay up this year, for the
simple fact that Rains is too nice a guy to get relegated, but unfortunately for
him league tables aren't won by being a nice bloke it's done on the pitch.
Going back to the match it is a superb achievement for K's
to return to Wembley to hopefully make history by joining the list of only two
previous clubs to win back-to-back FA Trophies. The man who knows just how to
do that is Geoff Chapple, who led Woking to back-to-back triumphs in 1994 and
1995, and captain Matt Crossley was triumphant with the great Wycombe side in
1991 and 1993. The other side to have back-to-back triumphs was Scarborough in
1976 and 1977. K's opponents will be Kettering Town who defeated Telford 1-0 on
aggregate in the other semi-final. Their only ever previous final appearance ended
in a 2-0 defeat by Stafford Rangers in 1979.
Reaction from the managers
"You have to have sympathy for Sutton they have had a tough
season and I just hope that this doesn't take too much out of them. They have
several important games coming up." "Now we are back at Wembley we have to go
back and win it. Losers are quickly forgotten." - Geoff Chapple (Kingstonian)
"They were outstanding, the first goal was a tremendous strike,
the second made it difficult and the third killed the game. It wasn't much of
a contest before that and in the end we were simply outclassed. We battled to
the end but full credit to them." - John Rains (Sutton Utd)
Richard
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K'S WEB MATCH POEM SPECIAL
Yeovil Town 3-2 Kingstonian
Date: Tuesday April 11th 2000
Venue: Huish Park
Attendance: 1593
Competition: Nationwide Conference
Reserves Reverse
It's now six weeks since, our last trip out West,
That day we tried hard, our team was the best.
This time we cared less, as some time in May,
It will be the K's, on Wembley Way.
The first team did come, but kept on their suits,
It was the reserves, who pulled on the boots.
Dick Hurst was in goal, with Lester right-back,
Lee Boylan and Joe, made up the attack.
Just four minutes in, Lindegaard crossed the ball,
The K's stood and watched, while Steele stood up tall.
His header was firm, it rippled the net,
A cricket score looked, to be a good bet.
The Glovers then had, a purpley patch,
Quite simply the fight, was not a fair match.
But then Kadi shot, and Pennock saved well,
Perhaps a turned tide - it was hard to tell.
Then Luckett sent in, a corner for K's,
A scramble ensued, Drewett deserves praise.
He headed at goal, O'Connor was there,
Defenders were pushed, yet K's were all square.
The ball trickled in, the goal was allowed,
O'Connor jumped up, then turned and then bowed.
But ten minutes hence, the score was three-one,
The first half became, not quite so much fun.
A free-kick from Smith, went through the K's wall,
Dick Hurst stood and watched, the net meet the ball.
The third was from Hale, which made things more tense,
Then matters got worse - tea cost eighty pence.
Phil Wingfield came on, and Mustafa too,
As K's tried to please, the travelling few.
Then Lindegaard was through, it had to be four,
Until Basford sent, him onto the floor.
Just six yards from goal, things looked bleak for Luke,
But no card was shown, it was quite a fluke.
The penalty kick, was Patmore's to shoot,
But he skied the ball - he'll blame his right boot.
On this the game turned, and out came the sun,
The K's pressurised, three corners were won.
The third saw Kadi, cross in from the left,
Mark Harris was there, his header not deft.
He jumped and he scored, to make it two-three,
Still plenty of time, to fill us with glee.
And Lee had a chance, Lee Boylan that is,
Just six metres out, an open goal his.
But Boylan f***ed up, this not the first time,
So K's didn't draw, and that was a crime.
The fill-ins played well, but that's what they were,
The first-team would win, of that we're all sure.
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SPOTLIGHT ON GARY PATTERSON
At a nondescript motorway service station situated somewhere
between Kingston and Yeovil, on a wet Tuesday evening, England semi-pro midfielder
Gary Patterson clambers aboard the Kingstonian players' coach. I manage to intercept
him before he can reach the sanctuary of his team-mates and he politely agrees
to an interview.
He possesses the demeanor of most footballers you are likely
to meet - happier doing their talking on the football pitch than under a Dictaphone,
but forced through necessity to accommodate the demands of an inquisitive public.
However, unlike most, Gary is undoubtedly charming and genuinely friendly. As
the coach rumbles uncertainly through the rain lashed southwest, I turn his attention
to our destination, a club at which he has received considerable criticism. He
is unruffled about the situation, "It started after that unfortunate incident
when the lad broke his leg (Jamie Pitman) and they still say that it was intended,
but I just went for the ball." When reminded of the Yeovil players' aggressive
approach towards him back in February he is equally untroubled, "I know most of
their players, so obviously during the game it got a bit heated but afterwards
you always have a chat and a laugh."
Gary joined the K's in 1997, following an impressive Football
League career. "Matt Crossley got in touch with me and suggested I have a game
at Kingston, I then played against Bamet and that was that." Since then he has
established a formidable midfield partnership with Geoff Pitcher that has helped
to secure three of the most successful years in the club's history. He agrees
they complement each other well, "Geoff is more of a flair player ... I bring
stability to the defence, and am able to pass and win the ball when it is needed."
This season has seen them both representing the England semi-professional side,
and Patterson recently captained the team to victory against Holland, a feat of
which he is understandably proud, "The most you can do at this level is play for
England, get promotion and play at Wembley, so I've achieved two of them and hopefully
we can achieve promotion next season." He describes the England set up as "very
professional ... all the lads get on together. Some people say that a few of the
Rushden lads are a bit of problem." I press him further on this intriguing point
but he withdraws behind a wry smile, "Its just rumours around the changing room,
y'know."
He dismisses out of hand his reputation as a fiery character,
"Its more referees than anything else. I think if they were more consistent then
I wouldn't be getting booked as much. Either way, when I go out to play football,
I always give 100%." Indeed he reveals an almost boyish passion for the game,
"The lads here are only training twice a week so there's a bit more hunger maybe
... That's what I enjoy about it, I'm not doing it everyday, week in week out,
so when I am training and playing I look forward to it that much more." Furthermore,
Gary is sceptical about the benefits of full-time training, "The only side we've
noticed the difference fitness-wise is against Doncaster, but in terms of skill
it isn't any different because there's only so much training you can do during
the week."
Along with many of his team-mates, Gary Patterson's career
has flourished under the stewardship of Geoff Chapple. Gary points to Chapple's
relationship with Ian McDonald as a successful combination of opposites, "The
players are so relaxed when Geoff s around, but that's not to say he doesn't give
us a bollocking when we need one! His assistant helps him out because Chapple
is so laid back whereas Macca deals with the coaching side." He is confident that
the current set up can provide a platform for promotion to the Football League,
"We've got as good a chance as anybody, but the only doubt I would have is that
we don't have a big enough squad, which has shown this season." Along with a limited
squad, the club has also suffered from a stubbornly small fanbase: "Obviously
it's disappointing when you're playing in front of 1000 people and then you go
to places like Doncaster and Rushden and its 2-3000. But as long as the fans who
do turn up keep supporting us then we'll do the best we can do. With the cup runs
we've had, there should be more than there is."
Looking to the future, Gary's commitment to Kingstonian is
definite, "I've got another year left on my contract. I've had the best time of
my life at Kingstonian, football wise, and if it did come along (the opportunity
to join a League club), then it would have to be a really good offer." For the
club's sake, let's hope that such an undoubtedly deserved opportunity takes a
couple more years yet to arrive.
Taimour
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ALI G VOYAGES INTO SURREY
Ali G Meets John Rains
AG: Respect! I is 'ere with none other than the manager of
Chris Sutt…
JR: No, Ali, I am the manager of Sutton United.…
AG: Ayyy
JR: ....of the Nationwide Conference.
AG: Ah, me mate Dave 'as told me about Sutton. Is it fair to say you is shit?
JR: No actually, I don't think it is.
AG: But you is bottom of the soccer league, you is the worst team in the whole
of da Bri'ish Isles.
JR: We've had a tough season. We do not have the resources they do at a place
such as, say, Rushden & Diamonds.
AG: What's Anne Diamond gotta do with dis?
JR: No, Rushden & Diamonds.
AG: Speak for yourself, I ain't rushin' no-one of that age, you're sick.
JR: But anyway, we have found things a lot harder than we had anticipated. We
are not the worst team in England, there are many leagues below us.
AG: You mean there is someone worse than Sutton? That can't be true, who is they,
is it Staines?
JR: Well Staines is one of the teams below us on the football ladder.
AG: Yeah, 'cos check dis, me uncle Jamal used to play for Staines, and 'e was
shit. What is dat on your face?
JR: Ha ha, you mean my moustache?
AG: Yeah, your musta....mus...,is it just a goatee that went wrong?
JR: No.
AG: You mean you did it on purpose? What do ya bitches think?
JR: I'm sorry??!!!
AG: Chill, I as gotta be leaving you now, nuff respect, keep it real!
Ali G Meets Colin Lippiatt
AG: Yo Col, big up yourself, you is manager of Woking........
why
CL: Well the chairman offered me the job, and at a club as big and good as Woking,
I couldn't turn it down.
AG: If they is so good, why is you bottom.
CL: We are second from bottom…
AG: Ayyy, but Sutton is shit, so apart from dem you is bottom.
CL: We have just had some bad form recently.
AG: Me Julie 'as some bad form as well, did you just get the caution, or did they
nick ya?
CL: I'm not sure I follow.
AG: Is it true what they say?
CL: What?
AG: Is Lawrence Batty?
CL: Is Lawrence Batty what?
AG: Ya know does 'e like kiss everyone when 'e scores?
CL: He plays in goal.
AG: Who's 'e playin' with?
CL: No, he is a goalkeeper, so he doesn't score very often!
AG: That is good, 'cos Batty men shouldn't score. Me crew in Slough would kill
'im if they saw 'im doin' dat. Where did Woking finish in da World Cup?
CL: Woking weren't in the World Cup, we are not a national team.
AG: But Scotland were in it, init. What about Jamaica, we is wicked yeah?
CL: Jamaica played very well, considering the size of the country and the friction
between the home grown and British based players in the squad.
AG: Friction? If there was a ruck, yeah, between the Jamaican army and Woking,
who would win?
CL: Seeing as Woking don't have an army, I'd go for Jamaica.
AG: Respect brother. You used to be good, do ya think dat Woking will ever get
back to one a dem finals at Wimbledon?
CL: You mean Wembley? I can see it happening in the quite near future, we just
need to strengthen our squad a little bit.
AG: Why don't you just buy Michael Owen, 'e is good.
CL: We could not afford him.
AG: Me mate Dave could show ya 'ow to get some money fast. Alright me main man,
I be leavin' you now, boyaka-sha.
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